The Glow

Time for bed.
My nighttime yoga routine begins. I stretch every single limb the best I can. I stretch my legs over and over again because they never quite seem to be content. I make sure to go pee again even if I just went 20 minutes ago. Odds are, I have to go again anyways. Climbing into bed use to be one of my favorite moments of the day but now it feels more like a chore. I lay out my big fat body pillow right down the middle, barricading my husband to his small portion of the bed. I arrange the rest of the pillows around my body the best I can for the support I need.

Sometimes sleep comes quickly, but usually my aching back and joints and running mind prevent that. In the middle of the night I wake up suddenly to the desperate urge to pee. I hurry and waddle over to the bathroom. I try to get comfortable again but now my hip hurts where I've been laying. I rearrange all of my pillows to flip to the other side. Again, I wake up to sore hips and rushing to the bathroom. I try laying on my back with a pillow to prop up my leg. Now I can't breath. I turn to one side. Nope, hip hurts. Turn to the other side. Nope, hip and back hurt. I sit up and try to take a deep breath. Finally I pick a side and make it work. Not soon after sleep comes I awaken. Do I have to pee again? What hurts now? Not this time, this time it is hunger. Extreme hunger that I can't ignore. I sigh and waddle out to the kitchen to make my now-classic 3am snack of a bowl of cereal. Once I finish then the nightly routine continues until the morning comes. By this point I'm either still tired, or just grateful I can stop trying to get comfortable.

So this is my first time being pregnant. Believe me, I am grateful beyond words that I was able to get pregnant and that I've had a healthy pregnancy. I know there are many many women out there that struggle to get pregnant and who struggle to carry a baby full term. I know many of these women and I have nothing but admiration for their faith, perseverance, and strength through those trials.

Today I just wanted to share a few words about my experience of pregnancy. There is no doubt that it changes a lot about you. Not just physically but emotionally and how people treat you. I think Pam says it best in The Office, "The thing about pregnancy is that people treat you differently. Like a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true."

Even before I had any sort of baby bump I would have people touch my stomach. I do not like being touched or hugged even so this was difficult to handle tactfully. Especially before there was even a bump, all I could think as their hand was on me was, yep, there's my stomach pooch. I think for nearly every girl their stomach area is something we are self-conscious about. At least I am! One very neat thing about pregnancy is that this area of my body that I really didn't like has become one of my favorite things about myself. This is where I keep a home for my baby! How neat that something I felt was unattractive becomes very attractive and admirable.

I think for every woman, weight gain and many other unpleasant sightly changes is where we become self-conscious in pregnancy. Again I gotta reference the same episode in The Office where both Pam and Angela are pregnant. (Sorry for the spoiler but you've had years to watch this show by now.)  Angela is very petite and carries very small, while Pam is a bit larger and carries wider. Angela is constantly harassing Pam about predicting birth weights, drinking caffeine while pregnant, and being much bigger than her.

I have to say, anyone who is pregnant can say they've experienced some of these comments from friends, family, and strangers alike! When I just barely had a slight baby bump my younger brother-in-law commented one day, "Wow! You are mega pregnant!" I laughed it off in the moment. But later I was looking at myself and thinking, If I'm big now what am I going to look like when I'm 8 months pregnant? 

Has anyone seen, What to Expect When You're Expecting? If not, you should at least watch the trailer because it is pretty funny. It goes through the experiences of 5 different women in starting their families. My favorite quote is from a woman who gets every symptom of pregnancy,

"I just wanted the glow. The one that they promise you on the cover of those magazines. Well I'm calling it, pregnancy sucks. Making a human being is really hard. I have no control over my body or my emotions."

Pregnancy really has been full of a lot of unpleasant surprises. It can feel awfully overwhelming and hormones do not help in those moments. I have cried over the silliest of things. I've gotten upset over even more ridiculous things. I've recently taken to grounding myself when I know I'm being unreasonable and shouldn't be allowed to be around other humans.
But I am so grateful for those moments where I am at my wits end and just want to be done being pregnant, and I feel a little kick from inside my belly. Or when I walk past and see the crib. Or I see a tiny little onsie that will fit into this baby one day.

Before I was pregnant I was talking with a good friend who had just had a baby. She was sharing how difficult it was for her to feel pretty again. She mentioned the weight gain, stretch marks, and this postpartum rash that she got were really getting her down. But while we were talking she mentioned something that really stuck with me.

"I have literally sacrificed my body for my baby."

That saying has stuck with me through the good and the bad of pregnancy. I have discovered that as a woman, we strive so much to look flawless and perfect. But I have discovered a different kind of beauty. And maybe I've lost some of that worldly "beauty" by gaining weight and stretch marks among other things. But I think it's beautiful that I get to a little home for a tiny human to grow in. It is a privilege to be able to sacrifice my body and my looks for another little life. It has made me feel incredibly strong and feminine to go through the ups and downs of pregnancy, knowing that I had to do it, nobody else could do it for me. And I know this is just the beginning of the many sacrifices I will make for this child.

The other day I sat in our half finished nursery and cried. I was so overwhelmed looking at clothes, burp clothes, blankets, bottles, and whatever else. I sat crying in fear and anxiety of taking on this huge challenge of caring for a baby. So much unknown lays ahead of me and it is so scary! I don't know how to have a baby. I don't know how to breastfeed. I don't know how to help them sleep. There is so much I don't know and will have no way of truly being prepared to do it until I'm there doing it. And nobody else can do it for me. I am the one who will have to experience the pain and figure out how to care for this particular baby. It felt like this eminent event that was coming for me very very quickly.

I started pulling out the couple grocery bags of clothes we were handed down. I saw these tiny onsies and my tears changed from terrified to an overwhelming love. One day soon a little tiny human is going to fit into this onsie. In that moment I just got so excited to meet this little baby inside me. Feelings of care, protection, and love began replacing my fears and anxiety. I know that just like pregnancy, I can take on any part of this future and sacrifice whatever I need to sacrifice in order to give a good life for this child.